There! Right There!

There, right there!
Look at that tan, well-tended skin
Look at the killer shape he's in
Look at that slightly stubbly chin
Oh please, he's gay, totally gay!

I'm not about to celebrate
Every trait could indicate
A totally straight expatriate
This guy's not gay, I say not gay

That is the elephant in the room
Well, is it relevant to assume
That a man who wears perfume
Is automatically, radically fey?

But look at his coiffed and crispy locks
Look at his silk translucent socks
There's the eternal paradox
Look what we're seein'
What are we seein'?
Is he gay? (Of course he's gay!)
Or European?
Oh

Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?
Well, hey, don't look at me!

You see, they bring their boys up different
In those charming foreign ports
They play peculiar sports
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts

Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks
They both say things like, "Ciao bella"
While they kiss you on both cheeks (Oh, please)

Gay or European?
So many shades of gray
Depending on the time of day
The French go either way

Is he gay or European, or—
There, right there!

Look at that condescending smirk
Seen it on every guy at work
That is a metro, hetero jerk
That guy's not gay, I say no way!

That is the elephant in the room
Well, is it relevant to presume
That a hottie in that costume
Is automatically, radically
Ironically, chronically
Certainly, flirtingly
Genetically, medically
Gay, officially gay? Swishily gay, gay, gay, gay
Damn it!

Gay or European?
So stylish and relaxed
Is he gay or European?
I think his chest is waxed

But they bring their boys up different there
It's culturally diverse
It's not a fashion curse
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse

Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code
Yeah, his accent is hypnotic
But his shoes are pointy-toed (Huh)

Gay or European?
So many shades of gray
But if he turns out straight
I'm free at eight on Saturday

Is he gay or European?
Gay or European?
Gay or Euro—
Wait a minute
Give me a chance to crack this guy
I have an idea I'd like to try
The floor is yours

So, Mr. Argitakos
This alleged affair with Mrs. Wyndham has been going on for?
Two years
And your first name again is?
Nikos
And your boyfriend's name is?
Carlos

I-I, sorry!
I misunderstand!
You say, "Boyfriend"
And I thought you say, "Best friend"
Carlos is my best friend

You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it
I no cover for you no more!
Peoples
I have a big announcement!

This man is gay and European (woah!)
And neither is disgrace (oh)
You gotta stop your bein'
A completely closet case (d'oh!)
It's me, not her he's seein'
No matter what he say
I swear he never, ever, ever
Swing the other way

You are so gay, you big parfait
You flaming one-man cabaret
I'm straight!
You were not yesterday

So if I may, I'm proud to say
He's gay (and European!)
He's gay (and European!)
He's gay (and European and gay!)
Fine, okay, I'm gay!
Hooray!