Why Buy The Cow?

I talked to a lot of people before I got engaged
Y'know, and I heard this expression about whether or not
You should get married

This is an old expression, people say this
They say, uh
"Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"
You ever heard that before?
It's a bananas insulting expression
To an entire gender

But also, it makes no sense
"Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free"
You're not allowed, to milk a cow you don't own
That's not even a situation
Was that a problem at one point?
Like, in the dairy community?

Was that happening like a hundred years ago, in some village
Some Dutch prick was sneaking in at night
Being like, "A-Ha ha! I take your milk!"
And the farmer was like, "Well then, this is your cow now!"
And he was like, "Noo, no proof of purchase!"
And then he ran off into the night
That sounded Dutch, right?

You know what that, You know what that expression means?
It means "Why would you marry a woman,"
"If she's already having sex with you"
Which has nothing to do with what relationships are even like anymore

Now, it's like
"Why buy the cow?"
Uh, maybe because every day the cow asks you when you're gonna buy it
And, you live in a really small apartment with the cow
So you can't avoid that question at all
And also the cow is way better at arguing than you are
And the cow grew up in a family that knows how to argue

"Why buy the cow?"
Uhh, maybe because, every time another cow gets bought
You have to go to the sale
And you have to sit next to your cow at the sale
And your cow looks at you the entire time
Like "Moooo!"

And does not enjoy the sale at all!
Even though she's the one that wanted to go the sale
And she's especially mad because that farmer and cow
Met like eight months after you guys met

"Why buy the cow?"
Well, let's be real here, you are very lucky
To have the cow that you do have
Roping in cows and getting milk out of them
Was never anything you were known for, John

By the most liberal of estimates
There have been about eight cows total
Several unmilked
And a lot of people think you like bulls
And if you just bou-
They assume it!

When you search your name
The third thing to come up
Is like "John Mulaney Bull?"
And if you just bought the cow
Nobody would say that anymore!
They'll still say it
'Cause there are those guys who they buy a cow
And then on the side, total matador, but

But for real, Chicago, Why buy the cow?
Let's be real, Why buy the cow?
Because you love her, you really do

And yeah, yeah
Sure, she's a bossy little Jew, but
She takes care of you
And you don't wanna be some old man
Stumbling around like
"Hey, you seen any loose milk?"