Terrorist Or Toddler

I was at the airport the other day
I'm sick and tired of flying
I tell you what, airport security pisses me off
They got, you read about that paper

Their two little toddlers couldn't get on an airplane
Because their name matched somebody on the no-fly list
Good Lord, they're one year old
You know, you can tell the difference

Between a terrorist and a toddler
On a terrorist, the diaper is going to be on the head (oh, oh)
All right, that's how you can tell
Ain't that stuff? Unbelievable

They got absolutely nothing in common
Except for both diapers are full of crap
All right, that's what they got
I get so sick and tired of that political

Crack nonsense at the airport
Now, here's what they want to do
Instead of doing the right thing
Oh, this might cost $300 million

But here's what they're going to do
It's some machine they're trying to develop
That reads your mind when you go through it
They can actually see what you're thinking

Before you get on the plane
Yeah, that'll speed it up right there
I can see me at the airport
A long line of people behind me

What's going on? Oh, they got Larry the Cable Guy
And the head-reading machine over there
Right now, I guess he's got Heidi Klum
Bent over a truck bed, I guess (ho, ho)

Yeah, I'd be the most popular head at the airport
But I do like travelling around
We usually take a tour bus when we go
I like seeing the country

I love Pennsylvania
They got a town there, though, called Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Now, I'd been there once when I was a kid
And I got to tell you, it was kind of weird

I stepped into the wet spot when I got out of my car there
But my bus driver, we had to go through Intercourse
My bus driver's gay
Alright, I'm like, oh

We went ahead and went the back way
All right, that's what we did
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah
Boy, that was a crappy trip, ah

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
I had to do it
Come on
I had to hit that one out of the park

My wife got mad at me one time
Said we went to Intercourse, Pennsylvania, too fast
There was a fair where I worked
The York Fair, one of my favourite fairs

I love fairs
There's a lot of fun
I grew up, you grow up first
They ain't the most attractive people hanging out at fairs

They ought to call them unfair, some of these places
I'm telling you what
And them rides
My buddy always wants me to go, hey

Let's go on that Ferris wheel
I ain't going on no Daggum Ferris wheel
You know, they put that up in an hour
In the parking lot over there

All right
You ever try to put a stereo cabinet together in an hour?
You got parts left over, alright
How safe is that son of a bitch?

I went on a roller coaster one time, it felt pretty good
Because the guy running it gave me two thumbs-up
And then just as we left
I realized he only had two thumbs, ha

And I hate the midway games, good Lord
Tell me they don't get more difficult every year, midway games
It's easier taking a picture of your butthole
With a camera phone than winning a Daggum teddy bear, it is

The midway games
Well, what do you do? Oh, it's easy
All you got to do is knock off the three-stack cinder
Blocks of that baseball made out of feathers

It's really easy, all right
It's cheap, too, three balls for $60
Give it a shot there, yeah
That's why they call it a midway

You go broke midway, too, to some bit
I broke a Pepsi bottle at this one joint with a baseball
I go, "How many more I got to bust to win a prize?"
He said, "You dumbass, you're at the concession stand"