The Diaper

I was changing my daughter the other day
And she's too old for diapers now, but she's still in them
And it's bad because this kid does not poop
This kid craps

This is not okay anymore
I was changing her diaper the other day
It was like a 48-year-old alcoholic man's shit in her diaper
Like, she was out all night drinking Jäger
And she went to Denny's and got a Grand Slam
I ate half of it, got in a fight in the parking lot
Passed out in a Pontiac and shit herself
Her friends drove her home with the windows open
And dumped her on my lawn

And now, I gotta clean it
And it's crazy, and you can't even react
You can't go like, "What the fuck, that's disgusting?"
You'll fuck them up about their own shit
You gotta be nice

You open her diaper, it's just chaos in there
It's just bananas
It's just, I, every nuke, every shit amazes me
I'm never used to it
Every one I'm like, "Okay, wow, that is, what is that?"
You have been eating diarrhea for a week, I think
Because that's awful

And, but you can't
You gotta be like, you know, you just go
Oh, what?
What?
You really got something up there, honey?
That's really something
That's really, okay

Well, all right, let me scrape that off your knees for you
Just get it down off your back
Just get all this hazmat in one place
Wipe you down
Clean your tiny vagina at the end

Who knew that that was gonna be my life?
I had no idea that my relationship to the vagina
Was gonna be cleaning shit out of a tiny one several times a day
They don't tell you that

When you're getting ready to be a dad
Nobody pulls you aside and says
You're gonna have to clean the vagina a lot
Because, uh, every time she takes a shit
It goes straight up her twat
They don't tell you that

Nobody tells you
And they should
It's a big part of being a dad
It's bigger than Christmas
It happens every day
You got to get it right, front to back
It's very important