(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Front step, cha cha cha
Back step, cha cha cha
Side step, front step
Back and turn

Oh my God, Penny there's Link, Link
I can't believe I'm really here auditioning
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition

Front step, cha cha cha
Back step, cha cha cha
Side step, front step
Back and tu-
Oh Amber, look at this motley crew
Oh, this town sure has gone downhill since I was crowned Miss-
Oh Mother, not more ancient history

Oh, my God
How times have changed
These girls must be blind or completely deranged
But time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs

Amber! That move is far too dirty
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours
This isn't 1930

You can laugh, but life's a test
Don't do this, don't do that!
Remember, Mother knows best
For the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
These steps are perfect ammunition
Let me show you how your Mommy dear
Took out the competition

Girls, go get 'em!
Boys, let's rumba
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven

Those poor runner-ups
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups
But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin
In their dance
Not a chance
Boys, put me down

Oh, good morning ladies
Let's see what you've got

Twist, twist, twist, twist
Mashed potato, mambo

Ready? Begin
On my show you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bumping grind
What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks?
You should have seen my bag of tricks!

Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze
While belting Aida
And preparing soufflés!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!

Proceed
Are you scared we're on live?
No, I'm sure I can cope
Well, this show isn't broadcast in
Cinemascope!
I never drank one chocolate malt
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs

This one will never get a date
In those hand-me-down clothes
Ha! Kid, she'll never get a date
'Til daddy buys her a new nose
I would say, "Oy, gevalt!" if I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs

Do you dance like you dress?
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
I sure would
I'm all for integration
It's the new frontier!
Not in Baltimore it isn't
And may I be frank?

First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it

And so, my dear so short and stout
You'll never be in
So we're kicking you out!
With your form and your face
Oh, but it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs

You may go
Um, thank you
I think they secretly liked you
May I please audition?
Of course not
But you may bow and exalt
'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs
(Crabs, Crabs, Crabs)