Parrot Sketch (Live At Drury Lane, London, Uk / 1974)

- Hello
I wish to register a complaint hello? Miss?
- What do you mean, miss? - Oh, I'm sorry
I have a cold i wish to make a complaint
- Sorry, we're closing for lunch
- Never mind that, my lad i wish to complain
About a parrot what I
Purchased not half an hour ago
From this very boutique - Oh yes
The Norwegian Blue what's wrong with it?
- I'll tell you what's wrong
With it it's dead
That's what's wrong with it
- No no, it's resting look! - Look my lad
I know a dead parrot when I see one
And I'm looking at one right now
- No, no sir, it's not dead it's resting
- Resting!?! - yeah, remarkable bird the
Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, innit?
- The plumage don't enter into
It - it's stone dead
- No, no - it's just resting - Alright then
If it's resting I'll wake
It up: "Hello Polly!
I've got a nice cuttlefish for
You when you wake up, polly Parrot!"
- There! It moved!
- No he didn't that was you pushing the cage
- I did not - Yes you did hello
Polly, Polly! Polly Parrot
Wake up polly! Now that's what
I call a dead parrot - No, no it's stunned
- Look my lad, i've had just about enough of
This that parrot is
Definitely deceased and when I bought it
Not half an hour ago
You assured me that it's lack
Of movement was due to
It being tired shagged out
After a long squawk
- It's probably pining for the fjords
- Pining for the fjords, what kind
Of talk is that? Look
Why did it fall flat on it's back
The moment I got it home?
- The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping
On it's back beautiful bird, lovely plumage
- Look, I took the liberty
Of examining the parrot
And I discovered that the only reason that
It had been sitting on it's
Perch in the first place was that
It had been nailed there
- Well of course it was
Nailed there otherwise it
Would muscle up to those bars and voom
- Look matey
This parrot wouldn't go voom if I put four
Thousand volts through it
It's bleeding demised - It's not it's pining
- It's not pining
It's passed on this parrot is
No more it has ceased
To be it's expired and gone
To meet it's maker
This is a late parrot it's
A stiff bereft of life, it
Rests in peace if you hadn't
Nailed it to the perch
It would be pushing up the daisies
It's run down the curtain
And joined the choir invisible this
Is an ex parrot
- Well, I'd better replace it then
- If you want to get
Anything done in this country
You've got to complain till you're
Blue in the mouth
- Sorry guv, we're right out a parrots
- I see i see i get the picture
- I've got a slug - Does it talk?
- Not really, no
- Well, it's scarcely a replacement
Then is it?
- Listen, I'll tell you what, tell you what
If you go to my brother's pet shop in
Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you
- Bolton eh? - yeah - Alright

- Er, excuse me this is Bolton, is it?
- No, no it's, er, Ipswich
- That's Inter-City Rail for you (leaves)

- I wish to make a complaint
- I don't have to do this, you know
- I beg your pardon?
- I'm a qualified brain surgeon i only do
This because I like being my own boss
- Er, excuse me, this is irrelevant
Isn't it? - Oh yeah
It's not easy to pad these
Out in thirty minutes
- Well I wish to make a complaint i got on to
The Bolton train and found myself
Deposited here in Ipswich
- No, this is Bolton - If this is Bolton
I shall return to the pet shop

- I understand this IS Bolton - Yes
- Well, you told me it was Ipswich
- It was a pun - A pun? - No, no, not a pun
No what's the other thing which reads
The same backwards as forwards?
- A palindrome? - Yes, yes
- It's not a palindrome the palindrome of
Bolton would be Notlob it don't work
- Look, what do you want? - No, I'm sorry
I'm not prepared to pursue my
Line of enquiry any
Further as I think this is getting too silly