Stake Your Claim

Good evening, and welcome to Stake Your Claim!
And first this evening, we have with us Mr. Norman Voles of Gravesend
Who claims he wrote all Shakespeare's works
Mr. Voles, I understand you claim that you wrote
All those plays normally attributed to Shakespeare?
Well, that is correct
I wrote all his plays and my wife and I wrote his sonnets

Mr. Voles, these plays are known
To have been performed in the early 17th century
How old are you, Mr Voles? (43!)
Well, how is it possible for you to have written plays performed
Over 300 years before you were born?

Ah, this is where my claim falls to the ground (ah!)
There's no possible way of answering that argument, I'm afraid
I was only hoping you would not make that particular point
But I can see you're more than a match for me!

Mr. Voles, thank you very much for coming along
(My pleasure)
Next, we have Mr. Bill Wymiss
Who claims to have built the Taj Mahal (no)
I'm sorry? (No, no)
I thought you cla-
(Well, I did, but I can see I won't last a minute with you)

Next (I was right!)
We have Mrs. Mittelschmerz of Dundee, who cla-
Mrs. Mittelschmerz, what is your claim?
(That I can burrow through an elephant)
Now you've changed your claim, haven't you?
You know we haven't got an elephant

(Oh, haven't you? Oh dear!)
You're not fooling anyone, Mrs. Mittelschmerz
In your letter you quite clearly claimed that, um
You could be thrown off the top of Beachy Head
Into the English Channel and then be buried

(No, you can't read my writing)
It's typed! (It says "elephant")
Mrs. Mittelschmerz, this is an entertainment show
And I'm not prepared to simply sit here bickering
Take her away, Heinz!
(Here, no, leave me alone!)