Independence!

Get excited everyone
Because here we are, the place where our great trek begins!
Where's that Dad?

You're in Independence!

Welcome to
The city so pleasing
That everyone's leaving
Fuck it, go west

Watch your backs
The city is bustling
With all kinds of hustling
And grit, go west

For Independence
Here are just a few things you should know:

Stay on the trail or you might get lost
Don't pay the toll, not worth the cost
Marry rich so ya don't die poor
A bankers' best, but ya might die bored
And independent

Take a gander kids! Independence, Missouri!
Hi, I've got dysentery.
You will too unless you stop to rest frequently.
My wife and kids all died.
But if I pull through I'll travel at a steady pace from now on.
What's dysentery, Dad?
Nothing we'll ever have to worry about, son
Don't push your ox too hard,
drive 'em too fast and you'll end up with
lame-footed animals! Then you'll have to kill 'em!
I don't ever want to kill an animal, Dad
You won't have to, son
Did you know that the first stop on the trail, Fort Kearny,
was founded by the US Army to protect those bound for Oregon?
I did know that!
Yeah, thanks for the advice and facts! See kids,
not only is the Trail to Oregon fun, it's also fun and edumacational

There's lots to learn
Which kid is your favorite?
Not all of them make it
Of course, sinkholes

A nine-month dirge
Every marriage is tested
Thank God they invented
Divorce, trending

In Independence
Here's a piece of free advice for you:

Before you go the General Store
Has all you need and plenty more
For your I-N-D-E-pendence

Hi! Welcome to the General Store! I can fix you up with what you need:
food, clothes,
we even got a sale on wagon tongues, whatever the hell those are!
Actually sir, we're doing this trip on a budget
You know what? I like you, so let me tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to give you one wagon for the price of two,
not a penny less,
and for an extra fifty bucks, I'm going to throw in an ox, for free!
A free ox! Oh boy!

We're all friends
There's no war a-brewing
No one's abusing
Their rights to own an
Ox like me

You'll need a full yoke
Their love and care is no joke
It's a job on your love
They're dependent!

I pride myself on being a very good
ox owner. Our love is perfectly normal.
Moo!

Here are just a few rules to live by

For your independence!

Don't say sorry to your Indian guide
They're not prepared for genocide
You might die of cholera and you might die of pain
But that's okay 'cause you'll probably get laid
By your mom and dad and the little kids too
'Cause you all have to share the same bedroom
Use your kids as tourniquets
"Cause they won't help when you're bit
By a bear!
Or a snake!
Mother Nature's really great

When you're out there on the Oregon Trail
Feels like you are going to fail
But don't give up too soon
The world is your saloon

Uh, Mom, I don't mean to be a buzzkill,
but do you ever get the idea that this trip isn't going to be as fun
or edumacational as Dad says?
Like maybe you might die, or Grandpa, or Dad?
Well if Grandpa dies, that's just God's will! Trust me kids

There's a place for us
In a house out west
It's Oregon or bust
To save the family crest

That's the promise of the valley
Leave all this behind
Lord have mercy on my soul
As I try to lead the blind!

Chin up kids
Your family's united
I guess I'm excited...
Oh, I'm so excited I pooped myself!

Let's go where
The gold rush is soaring
Let's go exploring
Our independence!

Be prepared to take your life
With an arrow or a hunting knife
Stop and see Fort Laramie
There's nothin' to see, but you'll have to pee

Do you understand 'cause you look confused
Take a look at scenic mountain views
Stay away from Old Man Bridger
When he's drunk he'll take your liver
Life is not a petting zoo
Or you'll get ripped in two
By a bear!
Or a snake!
Mother Nature's really great
Staying alive can be lots of fun
Be sure you have a loaded gun
Something will go wrong
The list is far too long
Declare your independence
Declare your independence
Declare your independence
Declare your
I!
N!
D!
E!
P!
E!
N!
D!
ENCE!

Diphtheria, leukemia, onomatopoeia
It's all the same 'cause it gives you diarrhea
Runaway thieves are on the lamb
Leave them up to Uncle Sam
Don't stress
Take a breath
It might just be your last!

Friends don't let friends ford the river! Take a ferry!
For your I-N-D-E-pendence!

Time to hit the road!