Roy Vs. Goldberg

Hello?
This Goldberg? Yeah, who's this?
Oh listen, my name is Roy Mercer
I've been trying to get a hold of you for about two months now
I need to talk to you about my boy, Raymond
You remember when you was in Tulsa about two months ago
You were eating at a Goldie's restaurant? (Uhm)

There was a boy that come out there that had his shaved head
And he wanted you to sign it on there for him, an autograph on his head? (Yes sir)
With a permanent marker? (Uh-huh)
Listen, we had all kinds of trouble since then
And what was that?
Well, I'll tell you what
His mama got the soap after it, and it wouldn't scrub off

We had the soft scrub and the bleach to try to get it all off his head
And hard time coming off, and we finally got it off the head
And then the hair won't grow back there, Goldberg
Oh, so that's my fault?
By God, it's your permanent marker that marked on his head
Well, it wasn't my idea to do it, my friend
Well, you signed it, and now he's starting to get headaches

You got to be kidding me
I ain't kidding you, and his eyes were blurring up on him
And therefore about a week, last week, he couldn't pronounce anything with the letter R in it
My friend, if you're trying to get money out of me, you're barking up the wrong tree, brother
Well, then how about you do it?
'Cause it wasn't, it was not my idea
It was your son that asked me to do it

So you're barking up the wrong tree, my friend
How about I just come down there and give you an ass whooping? (Shit)
What are you, nuts?
No, I guarantee I'm coming down there to whoop somebody's ass
If I don't get this thing took care of
My friend, you and what fucking army is going to whoop my ass?
Listen, it ain't nothing for me to whoop a man's ass

Bring it on, brother
Ah, by God, I'll whoop you like Patton for a dance
It don't matter to me that you're one of them wrestlers
I know that ain't real anyway, except down in Massaco
I'll show you how real it is
By God
You come find me and I'll knock your fucking head off

How'd I get down there to where you're going to be? (Ha-ha-ha-ha)
Hello?
How the hell did you get my number anyway?
Well, listen, I'll tell you what I got to do from the WCW
I told them I had a problem, I got me a jackhammer full of ass whoop
I'm getting ready to unload on you
Well, there you go

So what you going to do about it?
My friend, you show up, and I'll show you what I'm going to do about it
Hey there, you don't pull nothing out of your tides
And try to ground glass into my forehead, are you?
There you go
Listen, worst part about it is he got laid off of his job at the Sonic
You hold on one second

No I can't hold on, listen, he missed the winder with the tray
'Cause he's a dizzy and blurred his vision
And he dumped a whole foot long in the big boy's lap, but it ain't funny
It ain't funny, and that fella come out of that truck and whooped his ass
You got it
And now we've gotten more doctor bills to give to Carol

Henry is going to run him by the nerve-O-logist that we've been seeing
And what the hell is the nerve-O-logist?
Nerve-O-logist, he's a nerve specialist fella like doctor Charlie Downs
I knew this was it, piece of shit
You didn't know it for a while, though Bill
I know it for a minute, man
Yeah, well, I'll tell you one thing, this is feeling brave

I was waiting for this to happen (you know)
Have you thought about tag team?
'Cause I got me a mask
'Cause I usually just break it out on the weekend
Oh yeah, I'd be going there for a minute
Your buddy, Charlie, my brother-in-law
That's cool, I'm gonna to rip his ass off when I see him
Wait a minute