I Didn’T Use To

I made a rule when I was 19
That for a year I wouldn't lie
I didn't have a guilty conscience
So I made one over time
I thought for sure that was a process that we all went through in life
I was embarrassed when I found out that it's not

At 25, I watched a love I thought was real
Get up and go without a word
At worst, I rested on my laurels
At best, her morals were absurd
I saw our future like something I could program into one that she deserved

But I'm doing my best
Yeah, I'm doing my best
It's all I have left

I think I was made wrong
I didn't use to
I think I was made wrong
But I didn't use to
Am I staying too late? Am I talking too much?
Was I better off before I knew whether I was?
I think I was made wrong
But I didn't use to

I am capable, I stand six feet high
I hold records in sports, my range is four octaves wide
I am capable, yeah, I can do it myself
Every note, every frame, every pixel, what else?

I crochet in half-double, I type moderately fast
I can parallel park with my arms behind my back
Who's next? Let me at 'em
I don't care, I got all night
I am flawed, I'm a fraud
I am whatever you like

I want everything and nothing
I want silence, I want time
I want mansions, I want social housing
I want to provide
I want emotional stability
I want back my two best friends
I want a proper diagnosis, but I can't afford the test
I am doing my best

I think I was made wrong
I didn't use to
I think I was made wrong
But I didn't use to
Am I staying too late? Am I talking too much?
Was I better off before I knew whether I was?
I think I was made wrong
But I didn't use to

Will I be this way forever?
Am I stuck with me?
They say it only gets better
I guess we'll have to see
I'm calling, I'm pleading, I'm begging for help
I'm starting to see it like everyone else
Am I selfish? Am I bitter? Am I self-involved?
Is it worse or is it better if I've known all along?

I'm calling, I'm pleading, I'm begging for help
I'm starting to see me like everyone else
I am human, I am worth more than what I provide
I'm starting to think maybe I like

That I was made wrong
I didn't use to
I think I was made wrong
But I didn't use to
Am I staying too late? Am I talking too much?
Was I better off before I knew whether I was?
I think I was made wrong
But I didn't use to