White Trash Road Race (Live)

This year, we took a vacation, a long vacation in the car
We drove across country in our car
Ladies and gentlemen
In 1903, the Wright brothers invented the airplane
Because in 1902, they drove across country with their families

It was my wife's idea
She said that the experts say
That if you take an extended vacation in the car with the family
It bonds you
Well, you know what?
There's a huge difference
Between being bonded with and being stuck with

When you take your kids on a vacation in a car
A couple of things will happen
One, they play with everything they brought in the first hour
Then they're bored
So they start steaming up the window
And writing cuss words to the other cars as they pass
It's like having a pen pal at 75 miles an hour

15 minutes after a pee break, somebody's got to poop
You know you've been in a car with your family too long
When you actually scream the phrase
"I don't care if you do pee in your pants!"

So when they get bored
Then you have to play those stupid little driving games
Like the alphabet game, uh
We played this, and we had to stop
Because when we got to the letter F
I was actually screaming out what I was thinking

I'm telling ya, it was horrible
We came upon a funeral procession
And all I could think about was
How lucky the guy in the hearse was

We went to Washington, D.C.
I took my kids to Arlington National Cemetery
One of this country's greatest parks
And I knew I'd become a full-fledged dad
When I was screaming at my son in the middle of the cemetery
"Hey! Hey! Get off that!
'Cause he's dead, that's why!"

At one point, I actually screamed out in the middle of the cemetery
"That's it, we're going home right now!"
Thinking all the kids would be bummed
No, they all go, "Yay, we're going home"

I took my family on an RV trip
I thought RV stood for recreational vehicle
No, "Ruins Vacations"

This thing was 35 feet long, eight feet wide
And got two mirrors that stick out three feet on each side
I was like a passenger trying to land a 747
I'm weaving all over the road
I'm getting flipped off by kids in car seats, alright?

We got the finger so many times in Canada
That's how my kids thought they waved hello
And my kids are well-mannered, so they waved right back

This thing is 35 feet long
It's crammed with everything we own
And then my wife decides that we need to strap
A picnic table and four lawn chairs on the back
Just to complete that white trash image

Thank God we lost that on the first on-ramp
Some guy's got a new dinette set now

I finally stopped using the right side mirror
'Cause I'd lost it on a pole somewhere (whoo!)
And I don't even know why they put a reverse on these dumb things
I never learned to back it up

I mean, if I pull into a quickie mart to get gas
And pull too far past the pump
There was no backing up
I had to go all the way around the block and try it again

Thank God I wasn't the only one
Sometimes there'd be seven or eight of us
Just circling the quickie mart, man
It was like a white trash road race

Then if I hadn't learned from all that mess