The Winkle Man

Little more beer, landlord
And I'll tell ya a story 'bout a geezer called the Winkle man

The Winkle man comes down our street
And he serves all the ladies
What do you know, nine months on
They've all got prams and babies

Funny, he was a little shrimp
Must've ate some cockle

He used to sell them celery
And according to the dirty talk
He asked them what they liked the best
"The knob end or the stalk?"

No wonder my old woman come in smilin'
I'll smash his face in

He goes down to his local pub
For a pint and a packet of crisps
The barmaid's got a forty-eight
And he always grabs her tits

Like coconuts
Sparrows like a little bit of bacon, right?
Always go down the park, feed the ducks
Quack quack
Negatory, rubber duck
I'll give you ten for 'em

A girl he had was a noisy bird
She used to scream and moan
She shouted, "Help!" He said, "You silly cow
I can manage on me own"

What, you wanna bring the neighbours in, then?
What, you wanna gang bang?

She said, "I was a virgin
Now I've been done twice in a day"
He said, "Twice? But it's only once"
She said, "Why? You gotta dash away?"

Okay then, be gentle with me
It's only me second time
Today

When he was young and in his prime
He'd have a woman any old time
Now he's old and a-getting grey
He seems to like the other way

Well, I s'pose there's no harm in him being a shirt lifter
Just means more beers for all the fellas in the pub
Flip the winkles
Oh Christ, here he comes again
Gay boys in bondage
Do you want a drink?
Yes please, sailor
Who you callin' sailor?
I'll smack you in the gob
Up yours, butch
I'll give you up yours, ya bum burglar
Take that
Get out
Get out
And don't let him in here again