The Kids Do You In

It's really the kids that do you in as a married- we have two kids, that's fucking stupid. Don't do that
Because you just it also basically mainly what it does to a marriage is it changes the way that you think about your spouse
Because when you're married when you first get married you have this relationship that is so important to you and you're working on it together
But then you have a kid, and you look at your kid
And you go, "Holy shit this is my child, she has my DNA, she has my name, I would die for her"
And you look at your spouse and you go,"Who the fuck are you? You're a stranger, why do I take shit from you?"

But it's really, it's the kids that make it very hard
We have two- we have uh a baby, and I don't, I don't really know the baby to tell you the truth
Because she hasn't said anything, so I don't really know her
I like her, she's fine, but I don't know her, how do I know what shes really like?
Maybe she fucking hates Jews, I don't know, I don't know nothing about her

People ask about her all the time
They're like, "Hey what's what's your baby like?"
She's a fucking baby what do you wanna- have you ever seen a baby?
That's exactly what my baby's like
"But whats going on with your baby?"
Jesus, she got fired from target and uh, she's getting an abortion
It's been a tough year but otherwise y'know

It's not a very complicated relationship with a baby you it's just somebody I have to make not die
That's what the whole thing is, and there I'm better at it sometimes than others

Umm one time I took my daughter to the grocery store and uh I had to put her in the, in the stroller
She won't go in the fucking cart
She's the only baby in the world that won't go in the shopping cart and sit there
You try to put her in there and her legs curl up and she goes, 'AHH' like a fucking psycho
So I gotta put her in a stroller and I got a cart and I'm pushing them both through the fucking supermarket and then I
Okay so I'm done shopping and uh and then I take I and then I go out to the parking lot and I open the car

First I start the car before I put them in there because I want it to be nice and cool because I love her so I have to make it nice and comfortable
I, look I do, I love my children, I love my wife, I love
I wish I didn't, how awesome would that be to wake up one morning, fuck it I don't feel nothing for these assholes and just walk out the door?
But so far, no such luck

So I start the AC, then I put the groceries in, then I go to get my daughter out the stroller
I get down there and I realise the exhaust pipe is right in her fucking face its just fucking br-r-r-r-r-r I'm like, 'FUUCK!'
I almost killed my kid in the dumbest fucking way ever!
If she'd died like that I couldn't tell her mom, I couldn't fucking go home with that story
"Well I put her in the fucking uh I don't know, I didn't realise, fuck you y'know i just fuck I don't know"
I'd have to throw her into traffic 'Help!' and I'd have to y'know that would be better, to actually tell her that I threw her into traffic

The other kid we have is uh she's uh a girl and she's four and uh she's also a fucking asshole
Uh its true man I'm serious I say that with no remorse
Fucking asshole. She's a douchebag. She is! Fucking jerk
The other day I'm like, "Put your shoes on we're trying to leave, put your shoes on please, put your shoes on, put your shoes on, put your shoes on."
How many times can you say that to somebody before you wanna just kick them right in their fucking face?
Seriously, if you're with a group of people that are trying to go somewhere and you can't go, you can't go because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on?
That person is a fucking asshole, okay? You don't do that to people, imagine being with a group
'Hey we can't go'
'Why?'
'Because fucking Bill won't put his shoes on, he just won't put them on'
'Fuck, Bill, what's your problem?'
'I don't wanna put them on'
'Fuck you!'
Fucking kids suck
Seriously, the other day I'm I walk in the kitchen, she's talking to my wife
She says uh, "Mom I saw a doggy today"
And I was like, "Really? Where did you see a doggy?"
And she's like, "I'm telling Mommy, not you"
I'm like, "Hey fuck you! I'm just asking to be nice anyway
What, you think I actually give a shit about the dog you saw?
Like that was gonna be an awesome story that you saw a fucking dog?
Who gives a shit?
I got better stories than you, I have an interesting life!
I'm on fucking television, I won an Emmy, you don't ask what fucking happened to me today you little bitch."
No, I didn't say that to her obviously

But that's the thing, nobody ever calls her on her bullshit
That's how she got to be an asshole in the first place.
Nobody just goes, "Ah fuck you, you don't know."
I'd love to for one day just fucking be totally honest, "Oh you drew a dog?
Let me see that's not a that's a- shit me, that's a scribble!
That's nothing that's not even a anything
Show me a dog that looks like that I'll give you a thousand dollars, seriously."
God I fucking uh, the other day i was just like just dreaming about just fucking kicking her
Like kicking her out a window, y'know and just fucking pmff
I would never fucking hurt her but I wanna, I do, y'know?

One time my daughter had a black eye, because uh, she walked into a door because she's stupid
And um she had a little black eye and I took her to ice cream, we went to an ice cream place and everybody in the ice cream place was like giving me a dirty look
And I realise they think I hit her, and she has a black eye now, that's why I'm taking her to ice cream
That's what they think and I was so insulted I wanted to say, 'Hey fuck all of you she's this big
You think if I hit her she'd have a black eye?
She'd be fucking decimated, there'd be nothing there."
Look at this shit I would ruin her head with one punch, easily
She has no defensive skills, she fucking sucks
She'd be like just smiling at me and then bmph
There'd be just fucking just a dent there, like a fucking bomb went off

I don't know I love my daughter but it it it people don't really get what it's like with a kid full time
But y'know we parents make you love our kids because we dress them up and take them out and everybody goes. "Oh, nice."
But you don't know what she's like when she comes home, and the dress comes off, she fucking rubs her ass in mud, she's fucking gross
She won't fucking take a bath like when you once you have a baby you can't force it
"Fuck her, let her sleep in her clothes, I'm not dealing with it tonight."
Her hair gets clumpy, she stinks
Sometimes its like fucking, "Euck!"
Just fucking rancid stinky fucking kid
She fucking- in front of people she like scratches her asshole in front of people like fucking deep asshole scratching in the fucking panties
And then she smells her finger that's the kind of person I'm talking about, she's disgusting

The other day I come home and she's just laying on the carpet with just spread-eagle naked and she's just stretching her vagina open going, "AHH!"
Just fucking fucking holding it open I'm like, "Fuck! Shit, okay! Wow that's wow. Don't react."
And I can't- I can't go, "AHH!"
I can't do that, that'll fuck her up
I just go, "Oh hello hi how are you?
Hi how was school? Okay."
"Ahh!"
I don't know what the fuck to do about it either
Because she does it all the time and i can't-
I don't wanna stop her because you know what? She's happy
That's the happiest I've ever seen any person in my entire life
That's a fucking human being at their happiest just, "Rahhh!"
That's what we should all wish we could do
We should all be doing that but
We gotta fucking stop it though because she'll be fucking homeless if she doesn't cut the shit
So yeah that's fucking