Graveyard

Cemetery Jack speaking
Is this Jack Croswell?
Yeah
Jack listen, this here is R.D. Mercer, are you in charge of keeping up that cemetery down there?
Yeah, you bet

Well listen, I got to use the fellow that I'm gettin' ready to get sideways of-
I'm down here visiting my cousins, I'm from Ardmore
I'm down here visiting my cousins, and they was tellin' me that the last time they was out there at the graveyard
That the boys that was taking care of the maintenance over there was-
Was, was, well, what they was doing was taking a leak on my Uncle Jessie's grave out there
That's being disrespectful, and I don't appreciate it, none

Well, I find that very hard to believe
They said they seen you out there doing it, you and some of your fellows that's working on that thing, out there taking a leak and-
Whoever told you that, they lied to you
No, they didn't lie to me, it's Beth, I guarantee you, they ain't
They's church going women and they seen you out there
They was putting pansies on their relatives graves and they seen it happening

And who was it?
They said it was you and some fellows out there you had working for you
Was drinking beer and telling loud and nasty jokes and dancing around and then they was taking a whiz out there
Uh, what's your name Sir?
R.D. By God Mercer

Now Uncle Jessie Mercer, he was, he was a World War One hero
He's in the northeast corner of that cemetery, the headstone's got a Collie dog on the top of it
And that's here at Lawn Cemetery
Damn right, in the northeast corner over there
And who was it that said they saw that?
That's Inez Roundtree

Now Uncle Jessie was a World War One hero down there
Plus, well he was, he was in charge of the Collie dog troop
This Roundtree lives here in Cordell?
Huh?
This Inez Roundtree lives here in Cordell?
Lives outside of town on the highway, and he was
He liberated a French village of Voulash-de-Loop down there in the World War One
Is she listed in the phone book is she? What?

Is she listed in the phone book?
I don't know, it don't make a damn bit of difference, there's somebody down there-
Oh, boy, yep
He's on the run
He's a little whizzed off

Cemetery Jack speaking
How'd you like a country ass whooping?
Why don't you just uh, come on out and we'll talk about it
I guarantee you, there ain't nobody going to take a leak on my great Uncle Jessie's grave and then hang up on me
That hasn't happened, Sir

I guarantee it, darlin', Inez, Inez ain't a liar
That has not happened, well she'd seen it
That has not happened, do you hear me?
How big an old boy are you?
That has not happened
Where, where, where are you at right now?
That has not happened

I guarantee you I'm getting ready to plant somebody back six foot under
I got me a pine box full of ass whoop I'm getting ready to
Well, you just bring it on out here
I guarantee you, I'll cart it right with me. How long you going to be there?
I live here, you live there?

That's right, I live here
Well, you're going to be about six feet below where you're at right now
There's never been any beer drinking going on, and there's never been any graves peed on for the two years I've been here
Well, do you-?
And anybody that says any different, it's nothing but a damn lie
Well, I guarantee, how big an old boy are you?
We're going to need us a plot before this is over with
You know that, don't you?

Cemetery Jack speaking
Listen, I'll tell you what, I'm going to come by there this afternoon, are you down there all day?
Yes Sir
Alrighty, well I'm coming down there today and I'm getting ready to take care of this one way or the other
Whatever you say
Well, I got that Uncle down there, he's buried with his Collie dog Roosevelt down there and you've been whizzing on his grave and-

What was his name?
My Uncle's name, Great Uncle Jessie Mercer
Jessie Mercer
J-E-S-S-I-E M-E-R-C-E-R. That's right
And I was getting ready, how big an old boy are you?
Big enough to take care of this, I'm plenty sure
Well, I don't know about that
Well we'll see when you get here
If you got the balls to show up
Well, I don't-

We gonna to get him back on the phone again

Cemetery Jack speaking
Listen, I decided I'd call a buddy of mine
I think I'm going to stop by and pick him up on my way out there
He owns a music store down there in Watherford and I'm going to pick him up and come down there with him
I'm going to pick-
I'm picking Harold up and I'm coming down there and there's going to be a tag team event
Fellow called Jack
Jack, this is Brent man

And you're probably calling me on my 800 number too, ain't you?
Yeah, that's it's your dime
What are you doing down there? Whizzing on war veteran's graves?
I just want you to know there Jack, it weren't no mausoleum
It's just, just a plain grave down there