Poor Unfortunate Souls

My dear sweet child, it's what I live for
To help unfortunate merfolk like yourself
Poor souls with no one else to turn to
I admit that in the past I've been a nasty
They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch
But you'll find that nowadays I've mended all my ways
Repented, seen the light, and made a switch
True, yes

And I fortunately know a little magic
It's a talent that I always have possessed
And here lately, please don't laugh
I use it on behalf of the miserable, lonely, and depressed

Pathetic, poor unfortunate souls
In pain, in need
This one longing to be thinner
That one wants to get the girl
And do I help them? Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad
So true

They come flocking to my cauldron
Crying, "Spells, Ursula, please!"
And I help them
Yes, I do

Now it's happened once or twice
Someone couldn't pay the price
And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals
Yes, I've had the odd complaint
But on the whole I've been a saint
To those poor unfortunate souls

Here's my best offer, babykins
I knew a spell that will turn you into a human for three days
Now it's got a procedural clause, sort of a squid pro quo
Before the sun sets on the third day
You've got to get dear old Princey to kiss you
If you do, you'll stay human forever

And if I don't?
Nothing drastic, darling, I'm sure, oh, look, small print
Your soul is mine forever, and you're doomed to spend eternity in my watery, hell-soaked lair
Lawyers, don't you just love 'em?

Of course, there is one more thing, my fee
But I don't have anything
I'm not asking for much
Only your voice
My voice?
If I give away my voice, how can I ever-?

You'll have your looks, your pretty face
And don't underestimate the power of body language
The men up there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, on land it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?

Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn on a lady who's withdrawn
It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man

Come on, you poor unfortunate soul
Go ahead, make your choice
I'm a very busy woman and I haven't got all day
It won't cost much, just your voice

You poor unfortunate soul
It's sad but true
If you wanna cross a bridge, my sweet, you gotta pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
Go ahead and sign the scroll
Flotsam, jetsam, now I got a voice
The boss is on a roll
You poor, unfortunate soul

Oh, la Beluga, sevruga
Come winds of the Caspian Sea
Larynx as glasitis
At max laryngitis
La voce de mi

Now sing, sing your voice over to me
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
Sing and keep singing
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
Now swim, swim, swim, swim for your life, human child
Hahaha, hahaha