Gunpowder Tim Vs. The Moon Kaiser

And so, in the reign of Queen George the 7th, it came to pass
That the Moon Kaiser commissioned the construction of a vast lunar canon
Aimed directly at London
Soon, every man, woman and child strong enough to hold a rifle was conscripted
And sent off to fight for Queen and country
I was serving in the 42nd Starbone Division, while Tim was still busy being mortal
Like an idiot
I can almost hear the recruiter's ad now...

Grab yourself a laser, lad, and serve your Queen
With a smile, smile, smile
Light'em with your lucifer and burn'em clean
Smile boys, that's the style
Come on a grand adventure
Against a foe most vile
So, grab yourself a laser, lad, and serve your queen
With a smile, smile, smile

Come on boys!
The Moon's not that far away and we'll be home by Christmas
Let's give the Kaiser a damn good thrashing
Lenny won't know what hit him!
So join th Starborne Infantry and serve your country

Of course, when Tim arrived, alongside his best friend Bertie
It was a very different story indeed
The surface of the moon had been deserted for centuries
So all the fighting took place in vast caverns and tunnels that riddled it
It was muddy, it was dusty, it was cold
And most of the time it was pitch dark
Aside form muzzled flashes or your comrade catching fire
As the invisible beam of heat swept through No Man's Land
And aside from that, you always had to keep one ear open for the alarms
If it was a gas attack, you could usually get to a respirator in time
Or maybe even trust the pumps to take care of it
But if it was a microwave attack
You had to get to one of your foxholes and cover yourself in lead
Or you'd be cooked from the inside out
I was having a great time
But Tim and Bertie found their own ways to deal with it...

Gassed last night, and gassed the night before
Gonna be gassed tonight if we're never gassed no more
When you're gassed, you're sick as you can be
'Cause novichok and mustard gas are much too much for me

They're choking us, they're choking us
One respirator and it broke on us
Thank your lucky stars that the pumps still work
'Cause coughin' up your lungs can be a chore

Cooked last night, and cooked the night before
Gonna be cooked tonight if we're never cooked no more
When you're cooked you're hot as you can be
'Cause the Kaiser wants to microwave the British Infantry

They're boiling us, they're boiling us
One lead sheet between the four of us
Thank your lucky stars that you taste so good
'Cause you wouldn't want your corpse to go to waste

But I was not the only Mechanism involved in the fight
The Toy Soldier had enlisted alongside me, claiming that it would be "jolly good fun"
And indeed for the first few months, fought valiantly by my side
But it was then we discovered something interesting -
It would obey any order given to the letter
But it didn't necessarily matter which uniform the person giving the order wore
It disappeared after a few months
Only to be captured later by our side wearing the uniform of a corproal
Then later, the colonel giving us our orders had a rather familiar moustache
I even heard it made field marshal for the other side, once
Still, it seemed happy enough, after its fashion...

When little generals play at war
They don't know what they're fighting for
Playground battlefields are rife
With soldier toys bereft of life

Marching ever through the black
Orders fly, retreat, attack
Whoe'er commands a toy obeys
Out in the stars and far away

As children grow, the toys they build
From wood to steel with hate are filled
Corporals, generals, marshals plan
Their lines in every patch of sand

Marching ever through the black
Orders fly, retreat, attack
Whoe'er commands a toy obeys
Out in the stars and far away

Whoever's uniform you wear
No loyalties to hold or share
No burning hate, no bitter fear
No heart to break, so shed no tear

Marching ever through the black
Orders fly, retreat, attack
Whoe'er commands a toy obeys
Out in the stars and far away

The war continued like this for three or four years - grim and desperate tunnel warfare
Until Tim's best friend Bertie did what younf men at war are prone to do, and died
The details are muddy, pointlesss, and quite frankly hilarious
But what's interesting, is the effect it had on Tim

We'll murder all the lunar men with fury heaven-sent
And we'll carpet Lenny's tunnels with the rounds that we have spent
They've tried to break our firm resolve but haven't made a dent
And their blood will run like wine

Take no prisoners, give no quarter
Show them all the colour of their entrails on the floor
The Kaiser's men are cattle to the slaughter
And their blood will run like wine

We'll suck the ragged eyeballs from the sockets of their skulls
Their existence is a mad disease, there needs to be a cull
Upon their rancid soldier-flesh our bayonets will dull
And their blood will run like wine

Take no prisoners, give no quarter
Show them all the colour of their entrails on the floor
The Kaiser's men are cattle to the slaughter
And their blood will run like wine

All together now!

Take no prisoners, give no quarter
Show them all the colour of their entrails on the floor
The Kaiser's men are cattle to the slaughter
And their blood will run like wine

So Gunpowder Tim cut a bloody red path
Through cannon and through infantry, dealing his wrath
Battalions were gathered, and charged with his destruction
But all of them fell to his maddened corruption
Such violence can't last, though, and Tim's luck ran dry
As a Lenny lined a rifle up and let the lead fly
And when he awoke, he was chilled to the bone
Kneeling, unarmed, at the Moon Kaiser's throne
And the Kaiser just smiled, with his crown all askew
Saying, "Well now my friend, it's a pleasure to meet you
It seems you've made a habit of hacking up my boys
So I'll return the favour, with all the means I can employ
An extended execution, by royalty appointed
And I warn you, the last one left me very dissapointed"
So the Kaiser opened up a box and showed young Tim my head
Fresh-severed, but I winked at him - I guess I wasn't dead
Seeing there was hope, Tim looked around the room
The Toy Soldier, in uniform, with a royal guardman's plume
Accidentally, it had joined the Kaiser's personal guard
But it still followed any order, if you gave it nice and hard
Behind the throne, the great gun stood, aimed right at London Town
Tim had his plan and he prepared to bring the despot down
With the lunar cannon loaded and the fuse prepared to light
Tim looked at the Soldier and gave the order: "Fight!"
Chaos came to the Kaiser's men, the violence quick and mad
As the wooden man obeyed the mission briefing that it had
I spun my severed head and bit the Kaiser on the nose
He screamed in shock and dropped me, so I went after his toes
Confusion reigned, Tim took his leave and ran towards the gun
He turned the dial so right around the cannon barrel swung
He didn't know the firing codes, it wouldn't stop him long
For the brutal hymn of gunpowder remained his favourite song
And with a barrel from the armory he set the fuse alight
And fled into the lifepod where the Kaiser spent the night
The pod was shielded hard against the force of twenty suns
But Tim couldn't get the visor closed before the fuse was done
So when the lunar cannon fired and blew the moon out of the sky
The piercing brightness of the blast burned out our hero's eyes
And with the force of every weary soldier's tunnel bomb
The explosion ripped through the full moon's heart and like that -
The moon was gone